Today, I'm melancholy. I checked my stats and it appears no one reads my blog...
:-(
But the upside is that I write what's in my heart-it's therapeutic and relaxing. I appreciate that part of it all, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to even have a vehicle to publish my thoughts on.
I'll keep writing. And as a woman, I'll keep whining about it, too. That's my prerogative.
No spelling errors, either. I just checked.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
Another Mother's Day...
I read a post by a friend of mine on Facebook this morning, acknowledging that she awoke at 5:00 a.m. today, in tears. After 17 years, she still misses her mother, so.
Reflecting on that message, I still feel the barbs of pain when I think that I lost my mother 21 years ago, and no Mother's Day is an easy celebration in her absence. Of course, the hard-core hurt didn't really hit until I became a Mother myself, but she's always been in my heart since that cold winter day she left us, February 4, 1988.
My daughters have always known that "Nana Jennie" is in Heaven with the Angels. I've told them that they met her and she held them, before they came to me. It's always been sweet comfort to feel the love they share when they talk about her memory with me. At the time we lost her, I had no idea of the love that would eventually come into my life. The absolute joy of holding a precious new life in my arms, cradling their future.
As they grow and their hearts and minds are developing, a funny story that occurred years ago comes to mind. When I was a young teen, my parents & I watched that Joan Crawford movie "Mommy Dearest". I recall being completely appalled at the way that woman treated her children, though as I grew up, I learned that there are too many children who suffer at the hands of parents like that...but I digress.
At the end of the movie, while the credits were rolling, my mom told me to change the channel, and I sarcastically (who ME?) replied, "Yes, mommy dearest". My wonderfully humorous mom then picked up a folded pair of socks from a nearby laundry pile she'd just folded, and threw it at me. Hit me square in the forehead, a perfect shot.
I shared this story with my girls a few years ago after we all caught the tail end of that infamous movie on the telly one evening. When Monika heard the recollection, she locked it into her brain, and uses the phrase anytime she needs to reply to me in her own sarcastic (who HER?) way. I love that she found the laughter in that story, that she gets a piece of who my mother was without ever having physically met her.
My biggest tragedy is in raising my children without Jennie. But my greatest fear of their never knowing her is nipped in the bud with every story I tell them, and every word that they store in their hearts about the incredible woman who raised me. She had her faults, humans usually do. But her memory, her effort, and her frustration with me (who ME?) will never be lost. In Monika & Jennifer, she will carry on. As it should be.
One final note: When I was pregnant with Monika, we toiled over "baby names" for months before deciding upon hers. In wanting to hold my mother close to my first born, I gave her my mom's middle name, Lee. With Jennifer, I decided upon a variation of Jennie so as to give both of my girls the spirit of Jennie Lee. Respectively, they are Monika Lee & Jennifer Marie. I know I've succeeded, as I am reminded daily of her--not only in their names, but in their smiles, their actions, and their love for their own mother. That circle of life thing again, you know?
Reflecting on that message, I still feel the barbs of pain when I think that I lost my mother 21 years ago, and no Mother's Day is an easy celebration in her absence. Of course, the hard-core hurt didn't really hit until I became a Mother myself, but she's always been in my heart since that cold winter day she left us, February 4, 1988.
My daughters have always known that "Nana Jennie" is in Heaven with the Angels. I've told them that they met her and she held them, before they came to me. It's always been sweet comfort to feel the love they share when they talk about her memory with me. At the time we lost her, I had no idea of the love that would eventually come into my life. The absolute joy of holding a precious new life in my arms, cradling their future.
As they grow and their hearts and minds are developing, a funny story that occurred years ago comes to mind. When I was a young teen, my parents & I watched that Joan Crawford movie "Mommy Dearest". I recall being completely appalled at the way that woman treated her children, though as I grew up, I learned that there are too many children who suffer at the hands of parents like that...but I digress.
At the end of the movie, while the credits were rolling, my mom told me to change the channel, and I sarcastically (who ME?) replied, "Yes, mommy dearest". My wonderfully humorous mom then picked up a folded pair of socks from a nearby laundry pile she'd just folded, and threw it at me. Hit me square in the forehead, a perfect shot.
I shared this story with my girls a few years ago after we all caught the tail end of that infamous movie on the telly one evening. When Monika heard the recollection, she locked it into her brain, and uses the phrase anytime she needs to reply to me in her own sarcastic (who HER?) way. I love that she found the laughter in that story, that she gets a piece of who my mother was without ever having physically met her.
My biggest tragedy is in raising my children without Jennie. But my greatest fear of their never knowing her is nipped in the bud with every story I tell them, and every word that they store in their hearts about the incredible woman who raised me. She had her faults, humans usually do. But her memory, her effort, and her frustration with me (who ME?) will never be lost. In Monika & Jennifer, she will carry on. As it should be.
One final note: When I was pregnant with Monika, we toiled over "baby names" for months before deciding upon hers. In wanting to hold my mother close to my first born, I gave her my mom's middle name, Lee. With Jennifer, I decided upon a variation of Jennie so as to give both of my girls the spirit of Jennie Lee. Respectively, they are Monika Lee & Jennifer Marie. I know I've succeeded, as I am reminded daily of her--not only in their names, but in their smiles, their actions, and their love for their own mother. That circle of life thing again, you know?
Monday, May 4, 2009
It's a beautiful Monday morning here...sunshine, mild temperature, and the kids are on the bus to school! Only a few more weeks until the official start of summer, school is out on June 17th. Oh, I can hear the standard whine already: "We're bored"!
I shudder to think of how to fill their time this year. Neither of them did well at the Girl Scout camp I enrolled them in two summers ago. Last year, I couldn't even mention the name, this year, they rolled their eyes at the suggestion. I'm going to keep trying.
We'll be taking the motorhome out more this summer, that's for sure. Weekends away from the daily grind. I concern myself with the same thoughts, however. It takes a week to recover from such an excursion as I have all the laundry to catch up with, all the restocking of necessary items, and the daily in between stuff until the next trip. Can you tell how pleased I am that we even BOUGHT this motorhome?? It was Jeff's grand idea, after all...
But summer is coming, and it is my favorite season. I can't get enough of the sun, and don't even start me on the rising temperatures. 90 degrees in the shade is my idea of bliss! The only trouble I have is dealing with Jeff's need for cold during these dog day months. We're never on the same page when it comes to sleeping comfortably. Ugh...it shouldn't be that in the middle of July, I'm reaching for the down comforter at night. But he's a tub of sweat in the middle of the night and needs the thermostat set at 62 in order to get a full night of slumber.
Oh, the peril of looking ahead. I hope you're eagerly anticipating the coming season, while enjoying the beauty of the one at hand. You know, the spring we're in right now and these few days of sun between those filled with rain? It's all good!
I shudder to think of how to fill their time this year. Neither of them did well at the Girl Scout camp I enrolled them in two summers ago. Last year, I couldn't even mention the name, this year, they rolled their eyes at the suggestion. I'm going to keep trying.
We'll be taking the motorhome out more this summer, that's for sure. Weekends away from the daily grind. I concern myself with the same thoughts, however. It takes a week to recover from such an excursion as I have all the laundry to catch up with, all the restocking of necessary items, and the daily in between stuff until the next trip. Can you tell how pleased I am that we even BOUGHT this motorhome?? It was Jeff's grand idea, after all...
But summer is coming, and it is my favorite season. I can't get enough of the sun, and don't even start me on the rising temperatures. 90 degrees in the shade is my idea of bliss! The only trouble I have is dealing with Jeff's need for cold during these dog day months. We're never on the same page when it comes to sleeping comfortably. Ugh...it shouldn't be that in the middle of July, I'm reaching for the down comforter at night. But he's a tub of sweat in the middle of the night and needs the thermostat set at 62 in order to get a full night of slumber.
Oh, the peril of looking ahead. I hope you're eagerly anticipating the coming season, while enjoying the beauty of the one at hand. You know, the spring we're in right now and these few days of sun between those filled with rain? It's all good!
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